Promise Me We'll Be Alright
by rainingroses05
Summary: "Anyone could tell you how long you should wait to text a boy back or show up at his party, but there are no rules for this kind of thing." Magnus and Alec talk post 2x12.


He should have believed him.

It occurs to Alec that if the roles were reversed, Magnus would have believed him. He would have _known_ in two seconds that something was wrong; he would have known who was or wasn't Alec. It seems that Magnus knows everything about him- his favorite movies and music and places to eat, where he goes when he wants to be alone, how to make him laugh, exactly what to say when he's upset or scared or just needs someone to talk to. Alec never knows what to say. And now, there is almost nothing to say because a thousand apologies wouldn't be enough because he should have believed him.

He glances over at Magnus beside him on the sofa, his head resting in his hand, eyes closed. He's so quiet Alec can't even tell if he's breathing, which is actually unsettling enough to prompt him to gently nudge Magnus' shoulder and whisper his name. Then it becomes apparent that Magnus is asleep, drawing out a quiet sigh of relief from Alec. He'd like to avoid their next inevitable conversation about the day's events for as long as possible.

He gets up but can't make himself leave. What if he does and he never gets to come back? It's stupid and slightly irrational, but Alec is learning that he's not quite as rational a being as he likes to believe.

He walks slowly into the kitchen, making himself a cup of water and leaning against the counter. There's a pen sitting near a vase of flowers, and Alec briefly considers writing a note before deciding that the first thing Magnus wants to see in the morning is probably not his scrawled out handwriting. For all he knows Magnus might wake up never wanting to see his face again.

Alec takes a tiny sip out of the cup of water and sets it on the counter. There's a sudden spatter of sounds from the other room- rapid breathing, a sharp cry. Alec's palms press into the edge of the counter as he pushes himself to his feet. "Magnus?"

Magnus is curled up on the far end of the couch, trembling, face buried in his hands. Alec can't tell if he's awake or not, but he can hear his sharp breathing getting louder as he crosses the room to the sofa. "Magnus."

Magnus flinches away when Alec tries to touch him.

Alec pulls his hand back to his chest and sits down beside him. He whispers soft things, all the things that are supposed to make people feel better but never do, and it doesn't do a damn thing because _Magnus_ is the one who always knows what to say. Not him. He doesn't know how to fix this.

Magnus lets out another sharp cry, his body twisting like he's writhing in pain, and Alec reaches out his hand before slowly drawing it back. He lets it fall into his lap. "I'm so sorry. God. I'm so sorry, Magnus."

Finally, whatever pain Magnus appears to be in subsides, his head dropping limply back onto the couch cushions and his breathing slowing.

"Please…" _Please forgive me_. No. That's not fair. Alec can't possibly ask that of him, not after everything he's put him through. "Please… please just be okay, Magnus. I just want you to be okay." He stands and retrieves a blanket from the arm of a chair to his left, draping it over Magnus' sleeping form.

Alec gets the feeling as he walks out the door that he won't be back very soon. He closes the door behind him, and suddenly he's so uncontrollably angry he can hardly move. He's made a thousand silent promises to never let _anyone_ hurt Magnus, and to have become that person is practically unbearable. He was so. Fucking. Stupid.

 _He would've believed me._

He should have believed him.

Space and time. It seems that's the medication prescribed for fixing everything. Unfortunately, the prerequisite for space and time is patience, a virtue that Alec Lightwood was never blessed with.

Alec taps his finger anxiously against the doorframe. How long has it been since they've talked? It feels like too long to him, but maybe he hasn't completely fulfilled the time portion of space and time. Anyone could tell you how long you should wait to text a boy back or show up at his party, but there are no rules for this kind of thing.

His heart is pounding, and he's running on a dangerously low amount of sleep. His mind is somehow racing even faster than his heart, jumping from one disaster to another.

 _What if he's not even home? What if he's home and he doesn't want to see me? What if I can't fix this?_

Alec hears footsteps inside the apartment, and he straightens up, tucking his hands into his pockets. The door swings open.

Alec doesn't know exactly what he expected, but based on Magnus' state the last time he saw him, it's not quite this. Magnus stands in the doorway, not a hair out of place, looking perfectly put together and not at all surprised to see him. Maybe… softer, somehow. Tired. But nowhere near as upset as before.

"Alexander." His voice isn't cold, but it's not warm either. Not like it usually is.

Alec swallows. "Magnus… I… I understand if you don't want me here, but I had to tell you how sorry I am. I am so, so sorry. I should have believed you." It sounds stupid now. Actually, it's sounded stupid the whole time, from saying it into his bathroom mirror to practicing it on every tree he passed on the way in.

Magnus presses his lips together and nods slightly.

"I get it if you're furious with me or-"

"I'm not angry, Alexander."

Alec snorts. It's impossible to think Magnus isn't angry with him. He's spent so long preparing himself for Magnus' anger that the idea that Magnus isn't even angry seems completely illogical. "You don't have to say that. You _should_ be angry. I don't blame you for being angry with me."

"I'm not angry."

Maybe he's telling the truth. He doesn't look angry. Just tired. More tired than anything.

Magnus sighs, shaking his head. "Alexander, trust me, one can only stay angry for so long."

"But you're upset." Alec isn't sure why he's trying so hard to get Magnus to say he's upset with him. He should just shut up and be grateful that Magnus hasn't slammed the door in his face because god knows that's what he deserves. But he's too angry with himself to let Magnus _not_ be just as angry. "I know I hurt you."

Magnus shrugs. "I won't lie because I know you'll figure me out."

Alec finds it incomprehensible that Magnus should think that, considering that Alec was the one who didn't even know when Magnus wasn't Magnus. How can Magnus trust him to know when he's lying when he's so clearly incapable of reading people at all? "It's _you_ that can always tell when _I'm_ lying and _you_ that can figure how _I'm_ feeling in two seconds, not the other way around, so you can stop pretending that I'm good at any of that and that you're not angry with me and-"

"How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not angry before you believe me?" Magnus says sharply, holding up both hands. "You can be angry with yourself as long as you would like, but I… I can't be anymore, Alexander. You want me to be honest? Fine. What I went through, it… it was _hell_. It _hurt_. And, yes, _you_ hurt me, too. Is that what you came here to hear?"

Alec flinches. He's gotten what he wanted, and it stings more than expected. "I… No. _No_ , that's not why I came here; I came to apologize and to make sure you were okay… and because… I missed you. And I'll go now, if you need space, or time, or both-"

The tension in Magnus' shoulders seems to relax. "I missed you, too."

Alec moves forward suddenly, reaching his arms out almost unconsciously before he catches himself. "Sorry, I-"

Magnus waves his hand slightly. "Go ahead. I could use it."

Alec pulls him into a gentle hug, like he's afraid if he holds him too tightly he'll break. It doesn't last nearly long enough.

Magnus steps back, pushing the door open wider. He nods his head toward the inside of the apartment.

"Are you sure? I…"

Magnus practically rolls his eyes. "Come on."

Alec enters the apartment, Magnus close behind him. Magnus sits on the sofa and wraps one arm around himself, waving Alec over with the other hand. "Sit."

Alec sits in the chair across from him, clasping his hands together. "Are you… are you okay?" He winces at how stupid the question sounds.

Magnus shrugs and nods. "Yes." It sounds forced.

Alec frowns. "Are you sure?" Magnus' eyes don't have their usual glimmer, and his whole body seems tense. There's something off.

Magnus smiles slightly, looking down at his hands. "I told you that you can tell when I'm lying."

Alec leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Magnus… how can I help you? How can I make it better?"

"Well, you could come over here instead of sitting a mile away. I don't bite."

"Sorry." Alec crosses to the couch in a single step, sitting down beside Magnus. The space between them hums with tension until Magnus closes it with a slight shift to the right.

They sit in silence for a moment. Alec re-familiarizes himself with the feeling of Magnus' side pressed into his own. It's so close to normal it almost hurts. It's like just a word or two could bridge the gap between this and how everything was. Then again, just a word or two could also send them spiraling back to wherever they were yesterday, so Alec holds his tongue as long as he can. "Do you want… would it help if you, you know, talked about it or something?" He can feel Magnus take a long, rattling breath.

"Well. You got me through the worst of it. Or, the thought of you. When I was scared or when the pain or the memories were too much. The thought of you coming to save me like a knight in shining armor." Magnus laughs slightly, but it makes Alec wince.

"I'm sorry that I didn't."

Magnus is quiet for a moment. "You're here now. Thank you for that."

Alec shakes his head. He doesn't deserve a thank you.

"You were trained to never believe that man, and I cannot blame you for that."

"Don't make excuses for me… the Clave taught me that, and I should have never… I _will_ never again… believe them over you." He tentatively takes Magnus' hand, lacing their fingers together. "I swear as long as I live no one will _ever_ hurt you like that again."

"Alexander, I don't need you to take care of me," Magnus says, but he leans into him like he's touch-starved.

"I know I haven't done a good job of it lately, but I'll always take care of you, Magnus."

Magnus smiles softly at him. Another step closer to normal. "I want you to know that the repressed memories that this has brought up, they would have come up eventually. Sometime in the next century, perhaps sooner. And they're not your fault."

"They didn't have to be brought up by this. By you getting hurt."

"Regardless, it would have happened sooner or later. At least this way… I have you here. To take care of me, as you apparently deeply desire to do." He's staring off into space now, his gaze fixed on something Alec can't see. His eyes are glittering. He blinks, and Alec wipes a tear off his face, kissing his cheek gently.

"Is that… okay?"

"Of course. And I could _really_ use another if you have any to spare."


End file.
